where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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