I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
