I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
my poor anus
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize