I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
