it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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