I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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