i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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