Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
where are you?
Hypothermia
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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