She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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