Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
whose ass print is on the piano?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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