Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize