I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
