at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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