Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize