Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want to make out with him forever
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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