Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
