I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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