if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
