im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
