Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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