somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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