I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
