I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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