I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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