The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
