Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Your penis caused this!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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