remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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