can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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