Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize