I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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