epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
