the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
