I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
