Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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