I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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