I can tuck mytits in my pants
my sisters under your porch take her home
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
