perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
