I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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