i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
