I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize