Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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