direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize