I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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