My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
