So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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