She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
