Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
