I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
