sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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