Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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