saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
