Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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