There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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