The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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