he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
