We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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