he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
